I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
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Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Cow it started Cow it’s going
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.