I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
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I have many caverns
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Wise advice
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.