@mrjohndarby [city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
@TEXASVETERAN I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
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@mrjohndarby 
@causticbob At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
@NikatNiteNite I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
@mzeld Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
@FeverFlave *sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
@bonehugsnirony The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
@RunOldMan Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
@GrantTanaka ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
@jlock17 The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
@FeralFerrell Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.