I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
You Might Also Like
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
My birthstone is kidney
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is āyeah sureā then not play the song.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…šš¤£ššš
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? Thatās right. Somebody else.
Stop pronouncing it āpecan.ā Everyone knows itās āpecan.ā
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
caveman: Iāve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Cutest fight ever.. š
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said āyou canāt be buried there, do you know why?ā
Me: because Iām not Native American?
My dad: no because youāre still alive
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didnāt get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
bro what is going on at twitter
No more excuses…
…Iām canceling that gym membership.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Me: If thereās Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesnāt wear glasses?
Therapist: Iām going to increase your medication
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name