i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

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[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.


[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”


15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’


Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.


Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.



BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?


Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.


2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.