i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…