I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
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At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers