My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
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Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Hero horse inspires millions
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.