I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
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BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
🤣dope
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.