@

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

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@RexHuppke

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

@kelkulus

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

@MoistPork

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

@papasuncle

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

@JohnHilsen

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

@OnlyFastEddie

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

@velvettusk

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

@Nindoonjibaa

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.