I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
You Might Also Like
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression