I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
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5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
what day is it?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Canadian owl: Eh?
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.