I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
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DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.