I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
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If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too