I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
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Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
23. the denim jacket
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”