I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
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My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly