I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps


[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules


*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now


Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.


*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer


4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.


Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*


The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.


Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT