I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
