I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.