I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
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Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
There’s never enough good news
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.