I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn