Best misinterpreted text ever!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.