I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
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You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy