@AweShadySome

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

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@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

@louisvirtel

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

@toastymoe

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

@LolaFaglana

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

@joshgondelman

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

@ScaryMommy

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

@Angibangie

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

@MattMcElaney

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

@AmericanGent69

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.