I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
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waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
A French press is when you hug naked
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
2023 was just a warmup
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
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Morningbreath
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[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”