I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
You Might Also Like
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.