I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
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None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.