@TylerLinkin
@jessokfine [Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
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@jessokfine 
@ScottFilmCritic Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
@SeiYoung83 [in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
@murrman5 [after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
@capnwatsisname How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
@BobGolen The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
@JohnnyFrittata Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
@I_am_carbs Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
@UncleDuke1969 timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
@DeathMetalV For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.