I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
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My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.