@TylerLinkin

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

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@jessokfine

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

@SeiYoung83

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

@murrman5

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

@JohnnyFrittata

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

@I_am_carbs

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

@UncleDuke1969

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

@DeathMetalV

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.