@TylerLinkin
@hipchkk I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
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@hipchkk 
@krisv_723 *Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
@SamSkinnerKC I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
@HallJ0410 A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
@mjkspeaks [at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
@TheAlexNevil I’m going to need a moment here.
@dadmann_walking me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
@ClaudetteGGibs1 Good morning.
@AbbyHasIssues Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
@thenoahkinsey *on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft