I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
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I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”