i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
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[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
me irl
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID