I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
You Might Also Like
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
when you are just born a rebel
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.