I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
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If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Did…did a minotaur write this
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.