I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
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Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.