@JustMeTurtle

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

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@OH_GAWD_OF_FUNK

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

@robdelaney

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

@deathoftheparty

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

@Rollinintheseat

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

@NoorShamma

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

@DanMentos

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

@caliluvgirl77

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

@DeanB15

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

@mynameisntdave

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

@Marlebean

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.