I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
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[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Bros before Ohioes
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging