I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
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All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table