I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
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I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
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it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.