I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
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Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
You deplete me
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son