I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
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Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
🙋♀️
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.