I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
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MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
It do be feeling this way.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
ok this is my dumbest yet
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL