I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
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CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
there’s probably a fee though
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.