I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
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Who’s your best friend?
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Bill is short for Billiam
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.