I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
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Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??