I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
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Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
M: Do that thing I like
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”