I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
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If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My friend is an excellent librarian.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!