@WilliamAder
@funnyordie The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
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@funnyordie 
@DurtMcHurtt [family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
@PORNOPINION Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
@That_Damn_Duck He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
@str8outaCompUSA Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
@ColoradoUgly God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
@ozzyunc When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
@KatieBurnett Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
@impaulmccoy So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
@fro_vo “i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume