@WilliamAder

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

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@DurtMcHurtt

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

@str8outaCompUSA

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

@ozzyunc

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

@KatieBurnett

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

@impaulmccoy

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

@fro_vo

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume