I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
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My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
❤️🦆
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.