i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
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Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!