I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”