I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
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Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.