I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
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Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
What
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”