I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
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If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
The only equipped I am is ill.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.