I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
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I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
X-tra spooky blend
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.