I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
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All is fair in drunk and war.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I never know how much to tip a cow.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.