“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
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H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk