I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?
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We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Cartman: Respect my
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me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”