I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
You Might Also Like
Poetry is my passion
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
That took me a moment.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall