I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.