I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
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And bowling should be called pinball
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Important reminders
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.